For those of you who have not heard, I just wanted you to know that our latest attempt at enlarging our family failed this past week when the birth mother suddenly changed her mind and decided to parent the beautiful little baby girl, who we will always know as Siri Grace, last Thursday night. She was born at 10:07 p.m. and Harald and I were both there assisting Jennifer during the delivery. We were there for almost the entire 26 hour labor, and were with her for every push. But apparently it was not meant to be. We worked so hard on building a strong relationship with the birth mother over the past 5 months, and this feels like such a devastating and personal blow.
As you might imagine, we feel a profound, and at times overwhelming, sadness and sense of loss. It feels like we had a daughter, and then lost her. I vascillate between being OK and on an even keel and in emotional pain so strong that it bends me in half. For all the grief I have experienced over the years, for friends, lovers, dear family – I have never felt this. I can’t even begin to put words to it. But I know that facing people is particularly hard for both of us right now. Even though we aren’t making any decisions immediately, both of us have said this feels like it might be the end of our dream to become parents, and that only makes the grief that much more intense. Maybe time and space will bring different results.
We have each decided to take some time off from work, just to be with one other in our process of grief and healing, and to try to figure out which pieces to pick up and put back and where. Our faith is a constant help to us and I’ve been profoundly aware of the presence of the Holy Spirit during the past few days. I have no doubt that God is with us. And I thank my God at all times for Harald’s presence, because I can’t imagine surviving this without him by my side.